One true dog woman to another…

I worry way too much. No matter what I’m doing I’m often thinking about the other things that need to be done but can’t be because of what I’m busy doing, or where I’m busy doing it.

For example, I am spending a week at my mom’s place with my two kids and my sister’s two kids. Every morning I’m taking the two older boys to vacation Bible school with the baby in tow while my two year old niece stays with her Nana (my mom). Yet I keep thinking about the garden at home that needs weeding, the grass needed mowing, the house is in shambles because we’re getting Renos done, and my dogs are alone all day while my husband is at work. I’m doing what I should be doing for my kids, as a mom, but I’m worrying the whole time about what I should be doing as a wife and dogwoman in my home.

It’s silly really when I step back and look at it objectively. Even world class trainers and dog sports competitors must take weeks off or have time away from their dogs.

And then I think about the last time I did do something with one of my dogs. And it sheds so much light on why I’ve struggled with the dogs, and the kids too, since becoming a mom.

I wasn’t aware of what it is about dogs, and animals in general, that I love so much. What is it about them that brings me so much peace. After some reflection I realized it’s because they don’t worry.

What they are doing at any given moment is the only thing they’re doing.

Kids are like that to.

And to be with a dog, or a kid, and find joy and peace in it, you have to be at least a little like that. You have to slip into a state of presence, and if you let them dogs and kids can help you slip into that state of presence.

I went looking for a term that described a dog’s ability to be so present in the given moment. I found the term “unconscious presence”.

It’s their ability to be 100% present and focused on the moment at hand – not the day before or the day ahead. They do it without thinking, without intention, it’s just in their nature. Kids are like that too.

Back to the last time I did something with one of the dogs. A few days ago I took Garmin, the black lab, out for a walk. Just her by herself because I wanted to teach her how to play fetch. The Whippet is a bit of a distraction so she had to stay in the house.

Garmin is a black lab who’s mother constantly was carrying something in her mouth. If you called her to go with you to do something she’d search for something, anything, to carry with her. Garmin, however, didn’t have the benefit of early retrieve training the way her mother did – hence teaching her how to play fetch now.

I thought if she could play fetch it would be so wonderful to just hang out and throw the ball for my dog. It really is the simple things that help us build connection and relationship with them.

Except she wouldn’t fetch. Sure a couple times she ran, got the ball, brought it back and dropped it at my feet. That’s a behavior chain not innate to all dogs that she was able to do maybe twice out of twelve tries. Without me doing much teaching.

What she didn’t get was that I wanted her to do that Every. Time. I threw the ball. But she was too focused on the treats in my pocket to understand the behavior chain she already knew how to do was exactly what she needed to do to get the treats in my pocket.

Now I could get into the technical “why” and “how” to correct my mistakes as a trainer to make it clear to her what was expected and I’m sure after making those corrections she’d have been close to 100% on board with a game of fetch.

But first I want to talk about how my emotional state and stinking thinking sabotaged my ability as a trainer to make those course corrections.

I was worrying about the baby crying in the house while my husband supervised bedtime so I could get a bit of a break. I was worrying about the dinner dishes in the kitchen needing to be done. I was worried about the Renos and the overgrown state of my yard.

I was also carrying the baggage of shame and guilt over how neglected my dogs and my identity as a dogwoman has been since I became a mom. Worrying about whether or not I would actually be able to stick with it this time as I tried to get back into the habit of being the dogwoman I want to be.

Worrying that I’d break that promise to myself again.

And all that baggage weighing me down and sending off alarm bells in my head was pushing me into a stress response so I completely missed out on the relaxed fun time I wanted with Garmin.

Not only that but the pattern of punishing myself for my past behavior prevented me from snapping myself out of the present behavior I was practicing with Garmin that wasn’t working.

In the back of my mind I saw right away that she was too distracted by the fact that it was evening, a time when I usually feed them their daily kibble rations, and her most favourite time of day. She was so distracted by it that she didn’t care about the ball or me really. She wanted food. So the treat in my hand became a distraction rather than a reinforcer for the game of fetch.

As a trainer I knew I needed to reset. Remove the distractions (maybe go back and feed her evening meal so she was less hungry and more able to focus) or ask for less.

As someone just wanting a bit of time to unwind and enjoy my dog I could have told myself “this isn’t going to work tonight, she has the instinct to fetch but not the understanding to do it, so if all I want is to enjoy time with her a simple walk through the pasture is best and we can try fetch another time with less distractions”.

But I dug in. And got worked up and tried more times than I should have to get her to retrieve the ball.

If you’re familiar with positive reinforcement training frameworks you know that the goal is to get a high rate of reinforcement right away to build confidence and encourage them to continue practicing the desired behavior.

But instead I sabotaged both our efforts by allowing her to repeat failures.

Not her fault.

Mine alone.

And what really gets me is she wasn’t at all concerned about the life she has had. A life of minimal training and fairly little daily interaction with me. A life of mostly just being a dog, getting out on the acreage to sniff and dig and run and enjoy each moment.

I was the one that brought my baggage and wounded ego and desire to prove myself into our time together.

So while it is incredibly simple it feels profound to me to realize that what I love the most about dogs and what initially attracted me to them is the same thing that could heal my relationship with them and reinforce the habits of being a dogwoman.

It all comes back to that unconscious presence.

I’m thinking that maybe jumping back into training or husbandry isn’t what I should be doing.

But rather slipping back into the infectious unconscious presence of dogs.

It isn’t hard to do, once I have given myself space and permission to do so.

As a mom I know it is also what I need with my kiddos and what my kiddos crave from me.

I’m not going to turn this into a sermon but it isn’t lost on me that Matthew 6:34 tells us not to worry about tomorrow and Lamentations 3:22-23 reminds us His compassion never fails and is new every morning. That sounds like being present to me.

I asked God when I found out I was pregnant with my second son and was heading into maternity leave that He would use this year of being nothing more than a wife and mom to teach me how to love it for what it is. That He’d teach me how to find joy and peace in motherhood. So much so I wouldn’t feel the desparate need to get away from my kids that I sometimes feel when I’m stressed out, overstimulated, and constantly triggered.

This feels like part of the answer. It feels like a double blessing that I’m learning it from time with my dogs.

A blessing not just for me. But for my dogs and especially my kids too.

Now, I’m not at home so I can’t say it’s time to train (it just wouldn’t be fair to myself). But it is time to be present.

And while my presence may not be unconscious yet it can be practiced anywhere.

Wherever you are in your journey. Whether you’re in a season of motherhood, dog trainer, both, or neither – may God bless you with the chance to slip into some moments of unconscious presence.

Sincerely,

A True DogWoman (Jess)

One true dog woman to another…

I’ve been away for a while. Like, a long while. Not just from this website. Not just from my dreams of being a dog woman. But from my identity as a dog person.

Why? I told myself it was because I was finding myself as a mother, but I’m still floundering in that and I’m almost 4.5 years in. The truth is… I miss my dogs.

If I’m even more honest, though, I was never much of a dog trainer. I was an enthusiast, a sycophant, a philosopher. But I didn’t commit to the daily grind of applying the theory I was learning as actual skill.

To give myself some credit, each dog I bring into my home is better in their crate and on the leash than the last but I’m far from raising and training the incredible family pet that I always dreamed of. The one I wouldn’t hesitate to throw in the truck to take with me when the kids and I visit the park. Or the one that can wait patiently outside while I run into the corner store to grab us all some icecreams.

For a small blip there, before becoming a mother, I was getting out and sharing my meager morsels of knowledge. People asked where I learned what I knew and I’d shrug and say, “obsessive reading and consuming any and all dog training material I could get my hands on it.”

What I wasn’t prepared for as I entered the ranks of adulthood and found myself doing the responsible thing of building a career was that the time I had to do those obsessive deep dives was dwindling. It disappeared when I had children and found myself clumsily navigating my way through newborn, infant, and toddler stages. God brought me through despite my inherent lack of grace (it forced me to rely on His grace) and now I’m doing the newborn and infant stage again with my second son as I navigate the new phase of preschooler with my first.

A 4 year old that so badly wants a play mate looks for it in our maturing dogs. He found great joy and built a foundational layer of confidence when he walked into the show ring as a PeeWee Junior handler for the first time this year. And as a momma I cried tears of joy to see my first baby growing up and sharing the past time I have loved with me.

I haven’t shown much since becoming a momma. I finished my first champion in the winter of 2019 and didn’t pursue showing her as a special until two summers after my son was born.

I miss it. I miss the people I met at dog shows. I miss sitting ringside and discussing conformation and showmanship with fellow enthusiasts. Laughing over the antics of dogs and handlers alike.

But I don’t miss the pit in my stomach when I’m getting ready for a show and start to see all the ways my husbandry and training don’t measure up. Part of that is coaching myself in the same way I had to coach my son when he thought he would be too scared to go in the Junior’s ring, “We came all this way to do this, but I won’t force you to go in that ring. Nobody will. But you wanted to do this, you heard about it and had the instinct that it would bring you joy to try this. So you may be scared, but if you can do this even though you are scared you will know you can do hard things. You will know you’re brave because you did a scary new thing and found out for yourself if you will love it.”

Part of me needs that little pep talk. Because if something doesn’t do that for you then the ribbon is irrelevant. The championship is irrelevant. It’s how our choices shape who we are before God, ourselves, and the people around us that means something.

The other part of what I need – beyond just a pep talk – is action. Consistent daily action that is aligned with my values and moving me towards my dreams.

I started Truchoice Training in memory of Truman, my crossover dog. He was the dog that could not find himself under the coercive pressure of bribery and balanced training approaches I attempted out of my ignorance. My heart closely bonded with that dog, but my knowledge and skill level failed him. He got lost in fear as I tried to lure him into doing what I wanted and then forcing him when that failed.

So I looked for a new way. And found first When Pigs Fly by Jane Killion. Her “box game” transformed my relationship with Truman. Then I found Susan Garrett’s blog and her suggestions for improving a recall. I would have loved to join her online Recaller’s program right then and there but I didn’t have the funds at the time. So I spent a very precious 30$ to buy her Crate Games dvd. That added another brick to my foundation in choice based positive reinforcement dog training.

Now more than a decade later I haven’t picked up a clicker or pursued a training session with a dog since training Garmin, my black lab, as a puppy in the winter months leading up to my first son’s birth. I focused heavily on playing crate games and crate conditioning with her.

To this day she is the best I’ve ever had a dog be in the kennel. (And leash walking too!)

So the methods work. IF you work them.

So why have I abandoned training my dogs altogether? Because I’ve been floundering in motherhood trying to get a handle on it before allowing myself to return to myself.

This summer, though, I wonder if God isn’t point His finger towards my dogs though. As if to suggest practicing choice based training with my dogs again will remind me of the values of gentleness, curiosity, and connection that first endeared me to the training methods. The very values I am struggling to embody as a mother.

I blame dysregulation. I blame anxiety. But the truth is – behavior is what changes our nervous systems. Choosing the behaviors that align with our values is what frees us from the confines of anxiety on our lives.

As if to add confirmation I listened to a Susan Garrett podcast the other day and heard her talking about how the way we choose to train our dogs is a reflection of our values. The training method we choose dictates the relationship we have with them.

So maybe practicing the way I know I want to be with my dogs will bring some clarity to how I want to show up for my family.

Now as I seek to be a gentle mother that provides the structure necessary for her kids to grow up as strong members of the family and some day society I see an opportunity.

An opportunity to use my foundation of dog training as a practice ground for the person I want to be everywhere else in life (especially as a mom).

An opportunity to invite my son into someone I was before he met me. A calmer, more curious version of myself. One who looked to connect with any dog that crossed her path.

Maybe if I offer to show him how to handle a leash and use a clicker we will find a new kind of connection.

Because to value something and not diligently pursue it in my life is to live in hypocrisy.

Now we wouldn’t that would we?

It’s time to train. I’ll start with the Collar Grab Game* tonight, and trust that the joy and connection will grow from there.

*The Collar Grab Game is a game I learned from Susan Garrett, I believe it is a foundational game in her Recaller’s program. It is great for classically conditioning your dog to have their collar grabbed – it saves you in a pinch if your dog is about to make a mistake (maybe even in a dangerous situation) by training them ahead of time to move toward the hand reaching for their collar instead of away from it as many dogs will instinctively do. It has the added benefit of encouraging a dog to make eye contact with us – which helps to create connection between us and them and either establish or reinforce the bond we so badly want with our pets.

Truly yours,

Jess Wagner