One true dog woman to another…
I’ve been away for a while. Like, a long while. Not just from this website. Not just from my dreams of being a dog woman. But from my identity as a dog person.
Why? I told myself it was because I was finding myself as a mother, but I’m still floundering in that and I’m almost 4.5 years in. The truth is… I miss my dogs.
If I’m even more honest, though, I was never much of a dog trainer. I was an enthusiast, a sycophant, a philosopher. But I didn’t commit to the daily grind of applying the theory I was learning as actual skill.
To give myself some credit, each dog I bring into my home is better in their crate and on the leash than the last but I’m far from raising and training the incredible family pet that I always dreamed of. The one I wouldn’t hesitate to throw in the truck to take with me when the kids and I visit the park. Or the one that can wait patiently outside while I run into the corner store to grab us all some icecreams.
For a small blip there, before becoming a mother, I was getting out and sharing my meager morsels of knowledge. People asked where I learned what I knew and I’d shrug and say, “obsessive reading and consuming any and all dog training material I could get my hands on it.”
What I wasn’t prepared for as I entered the ranks of adulthood and found myself doing the responsible thing of building a career was that the time I had to do those obsessive deep dives was dwindling. It disappeared when I had children and found myself clumsily navigating my way through newborn, infant, and toddler stages. God brought me through despite my inherent lack of grace (it forced me to rely on His grace) and now I’m doing the newborn and infant stage again with my second son as I navigate the new phase of preschooler with my first.
A 4 year old that so badly wants a play mate looks for it in our maturing dogs. He found great joy and built a foundational layer of confidence when he walked into the show ring as a PeeWee Junior handler for the first time this year. And as a momma I cried tears of joy to see my first baby growing up and sharing the past time I have loved with me.
I haven’t shown much since becoming a momma. I finished my first champion in the winter of 2019 and didn’t pursue showing her as a special until two summers after my son was born.
I miss it. I miss the people I met at dog shows. I miss sitting ringside and discussing conformation and showmanship with fellow enthusiasts. Laughing over the antics of dogs and handlers alike.
But I don’t miss the pit in my stomach when I’m getting ready for a show and start to see all the ways my husbandry and training don’t measure up. Part of that is coaching myself in the same way I had to coach my son when he thought he would be too scared to go in the Junior’s ring, “We came all this way to do this, but I won’t force you to go in that ring. Nobody will. But you wanted to do this, you heard about it and had the instinct that it would bring you joy to try this. So you may be scared, but if you can do this even though you are scared you will know you can do hard things. You will know you’re brave because you did a scary new thing and found out for yourself if you will love it.”
Part of me needs that little pep talk. Because if something doesn’t do that for you then the ribbon is irrelevant. The championship is irrelevant. It’s how our choices shape who we are before God, ourselves, and the people around us that means something.
The other part of what I need – beyond just a pep talk – is action. Consistent daily action that is aligned with my values and moving me towards my dreams.
I started Truchoice Training in memory of Truman, my crossover dog. He was the dog that could not find himself under the coercive pressure of bribery and balanced training approaches I attempted out of my ignorance. My heart closely bonded with that dog, but my knowledge and skill level failed him. He got lost in fear as I tried to lure him into doing what I wanted and then forcing him when that failed.
So I looked for a new way. And found first When Pigs Fly by Jane Killion. Her “box game” transformed my relationship with Truman. Then I found Susan Garrett’s blog and her suggestions for improving a recall. I would have loved to join her online Recaller’s program right then and there but I didn’t have the funds at the time. So I spent a very precious 30$ to buy her Crate Games dvd. That added another brick to my foundation in choice based positive reinforcement dog training.
Now more than a decade later I haven’t picked up a clicker or pursued a training session with a dog since training Garmin, my black lab, as a puppy in the winter months leading up to my first son’s birth. I focused heavily on playing crate games and crate conditioning with her.
To this day she is the best I’ve ever had a dog be in the kennel. (And leash walking too!)
So the methods work. IF you work them.
So why have I abandoned training my dogs altogether? Because I’ve been floundering in motherhood trying to get a handle on it before allowing myself to return to myself.
This summer, though, I wonder if God isn’t point His finger towards my dogs though. As if to suggest practicing choice based training with my dogs again will remind me of the values of gentleness, curiosity, and connection that first endeared me to the training methods. The very values I am struggling to embody as a mother.
I blame dysregulation. I blame anxiety. But the truth is – behavior is what changes our nervous systems. Choosing the behaviors that align with our values is what frees us from the confines of anxiety on our lives.
As if to add confirmation I listened to a Susan Garrett podcast the other day and heard her talking about how the way we choose to train our dogs is a reflection of our values. The training method we choose dictates the relationship we have with them.
So maybe practicing the way I know I want to be with my dogs will bring some clarity to how I want to show up for my family.
Now as I seek to be a gentle mother that provides the structure necessary for her kids to grow up as strong members of the family and some day society I see an opportunity.
An opportunity to use my foundation of dog training as a practice ground for the person I want to be everywhere else in life (especially as a mom).
An opportunity to invite my son into someone I was before he met me. A calmer, more curious version of myself. One who looked to connect with any dog that crossed her path.
Maybe if I offer to show him how to handle a leash and use a clicker we will find a new kind of connection.
Because to value something and not diligently pursue it in my life is to live in hypocrisy.
Now we wouldn’t that would we?
It’s time to train. I’ll start with the Collar Grab Game* tonight, and trust that the joy and connection will grow from there.
*The Collar Grab Game is a game I learned from Susan Garrett, I believe it is a foundational game in her Recaller’s program. It is great for classically conditioning your dog to have their collar grabbed – it saves you in a pinch if your dog is about to make a mistake (maybe even in a dangerous situation) by training them ahead of time to move toward the hand reaching for their collar instead of away from it as many dogs will instinctively do. It has the added benefit of encouraging a dog to make eye contact with us – which helps to create connection between us and them and either establish or reinforce the bond we so badly want with our pets.
Truly yours,
Jess Wagner
TruChoice Trainers 