One true DogWoman to another…
I got majorly derailed in the last month.
I spent a week doing more training with my dogs than I have in years. That’s great! Except I fell into a trap. I wrote the trap off as my own lack of discipline, but what is that really? Like willpower is finite, I know that, but I also know how much I want to be a dog trainer, how much I want my dogs to have really great lives and have access to as much of my life as possible. So why do I give up on the training?
I let that stop me from training for a month. Then I was considering that yesterday, thinking there must be a hack I haven’t found yet that will help me fix my lack of discipline to train. Didn’t come up with anything other than “lower the barrier to entry” and “just do it” and “just start doing it again even when you lose the streak”.
But that doesn’t really feel helpful. It doesn’t explain why I habitually abandon my pursuit of the things I so desperately love and want in my life.
Then this morning a book my therapist suggested and I placed a library hold on came available on the Library eBook app I use (Libby, it’s wonderful). I downloaded it and started reading and it became very clear.
The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris starts out explaining how we tend to adopt habits or behaviors antithetical to what we believe is healthy or aligned with our values out of a desire to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings. He calls them control strategies.
It’s kind of like a dog that will do anything to avoid a nail trim. Even if they have never had their quick cut on accident so it was painful. The experience of having their feet handled, and the squeeze on their nail, and the dreadful sound of the trimmers going ‘snip’ or the Dremel buzzing makes them whine, growl, snarl, bite, pull back, run away, hide, shake, pee… Anything to get away from having their nails trimmed. You and I know the nail trim is important for their health and really not as invasive as the dog sees it. But they find it unpleasant and so they are willing to do many an unpleasant thing to avoid it.
Russ Harris even mentions in his book about how even doing the right things or the things we believe are important in an attempt to avoid unpleasant thoughts or feelings isn’t sustainable. We will find no satisfaction in them.
So I look at my dog training and have two new questions for myself. Do I struggle to develop a sustainable and long term habit of training my dogs on a regular basis because I am avoiding the unpleasant feelings of frustration or doubt I often feel when training doesn’t go as smooth as I’d like? Or maybe I struggle because when I do engage in the activity of training it’s because I’m trying to avoid the shame I feel over having poorly trained dogs with nails that are way too overgrown?
Same with parenting my kids… Do I avoid doing the things I KNOW will make my relationship with my kids better and will vastly improve the feelings of peace and security in our home because I am motivated by the shame of being a bad mother? Or because I am avoiding the fear I will never find fulfillment or satisfaction as a mother?
What Russ Harris mentioned about how our motivator to improve matters further cements a lesson I have learned and need to keep practicing. He said (in my own words) the motivator of avoiding unpleasant thoughts and feelings will remove satisfaction from the action while the motivation to align with our values will bring satisfaction (or some other form of reinforcement) from our actions. This further reinforces my realization that when I motivate myself with compassion and a desire to make healthy choices for myself and my family I make more lasting progress than when I motivate myself with self-criticism or condemnation.
It is a lot to think about. But my encouragement to you is – speak to yourself with compassion today. It will make the difference you’ve been looking for.
I can say it from experience.
And now I’m going to spend the rest of my day practicing that same compassionate self-talk and see if it makes a difference.
Sincerely,
A True DogWoman (Jess)
